Oooooooooopsssss!!!!!!!

Wazza' matter, dude?

There's no need to be this worried about.

By the way, what's happened!?
The tuff Casper I used to know would answer me with a tiny small "Well, can't do anything about it. Sorry 4 U 2, kid...", or kind of. Well, doesn't matter much, now.

First of all: if you're really touched about this situation and need to talk, do not consider this message. Discard it now and call me. I'm not joking. As many others you've received, this one is also full of wrath and irony. The usual you will discard this warning and go on, cause you may consider this case closed and my reasons for complaining, unbearable. Well, it's not closed for me 'cause you didn't properly closed it, at least the way I deserved to be treated. So, if you agree with this, quit now and call me.

But, if you, once again, is being polite in telling me "things shouldn't take this way", and have no time (!?) 4 talking, well, you won't like what you'll read. As you didn’t hear me, didn’t talk to me, didn’t listen to me, here are some of the answers I’ve been thinking about over this time. Am I angry!? You may bet a really big “yes”. You made it happen. But shit happens, sometimes. <¦c)

And second: I don't really think you'll give this message the attention it should have. And, to be sure, I don't give a shit about it, anymore, ok!? No offense. Nothing personal, believe it. I'm just tired of being such a fool and "not-self-loved" and a sample of "all-the-bricks-that-make-Disneyland-so-funny". Please, don't expect me to be soft and say "ohh, babe. Of course I'm not angry. Gimme' a hug and let's forget all about it"... cause I am PLENTY of reasons 4 not to do a such thing. Respect my good sense.

Let's try to answer some of your questions.

Remember who invited U 4 "talking about" & "thinking better" & "at least make things clear" & bla... bla... bla...!? Bingo! U found it! And, believe me, all that stuff (would be offensive 2 use more appropriated terms) wasn't just a lot of come-backs, as your EGO probably suggested, and was not for fun, as your FEAR may have told you. You had the right to doubt my intentions, ok. But you had no right to doubt my “self”. You knew me, at least I thought you did. Well, follow me.

I sent you @'s, phone calls, almost made some other crazy stuff, that GOD, in His immense love, dissuaded me of doing - 'cause I really was in the mood but you did not deserved. “No deal.” Well, 2 can't talk when 1 keeps silent. So that, I became quiet too. From that on, I started thinking of what was wrong about it. Your 2 great excuses was that "you had no time for it" and "all that happened till then was nothing but a big mistake". I remember you saying just as if it's been yesterday "we're definitely not twin souls ". I have a good memory. So I started wandering about these 2 options.

I came back in time, precisely a few hours before the "boom", and made some considerations. While we were talking about us, you supposed me to be free, enjoy the best I could while you would be applying your time in something more "productive". Then, when both of us were ready, get together again and go on. Do you remember? I do. Thought you wouldn't be able to handle something like this and I was right. But my great mistake was to think in what was the best for you despite of me. Well, my fault, my pain. No regrets. Anyway, I was ready to consider other options. You KNOW the “witch was riding” over all night long. Nothing was going well, including us. As I told you before, you couldn't realize in how many different ways I could deal with you and that situation. Maybe after Thursday's conference you have an almost idea.

I am and already was much more "conversational" than you thought that time and even now. But, no! You had to realize me as an usual partner, some of this whole bunch of lammerz you must be used to deal with throughout your whole life. Always owner of all reason, so sure, so secure, so mature, so tuff, so right and yet even so mistaken. For the first time in my life I thought of finding someone able to fully understand my way of thinking. Shame on me. You didn't get it. And worst, you chose the fastest way to quit. You should know I was ready to give you the time you needed. Even years, if necessary. I could "accept" your proposal of pausing and restarting "us" without any troubles. But it seems you've underestimated me at last. So that it breaks your first point of view.

The second point, that we were no T.S.'s and that was a mistake, well, I just couldn't swallow. Analyzing from backwards, I can't realize ME as a MISTAKE. Ok, ok, I'm not a superhero but I know at least a piece of my value. I know what I'm able to do. I know the amount of love I can give, the pleasure it could be, the deep we could get, the time it could last. I know exactly what is like feeling that no one in the world can fully "get" you. Everyone we know can cover only a little piece of our universe. I know what is like to feel too deep for common people. To be even strange, sometimes. Be criticized, pursued, misunderstood. I know it all. I knew it all my life. And I already knew it all that time. My greatest mistake was believing I was the superficial and you were the deep one. Shame on me, again.

You've shown yourself as much coward as many other usual people in this damn big shitty world we thread on every day and night. You didn't even have the balls to say "the game is over" facing me, for Christ sake! Just like most of them, you seem to be afraid of discovering the abilities of love. God, you was afraid that it could complicate your career! How short is your mind!? Is it possible that it is not ready for dealing with both things!? Where's your presence of spirit, your essence, your hunger for living? Have you forgotten it on your books and poems? For how long will you wait till the life train comes to pick you up!? Oh! Perhaps it's already arrived and you're in it, and I'm am the stupid who can't just see that 'THIS' is the way of living you've always wanted. Well, my child, if this is the kind of life you think like perfect, if that's the way you think life has to be, please, STOP THE WORLD! I WANNA GET OUT!

I permit myself the gratitude of living. I'm not tired to believe it's possible feel free and happy and loved at the same time. Life is so simple, and we insist in complicating it so much. I'm not waiting for "the one" anymore. It will come, if so it is. I thought it might be you. "It had to be you". But you did not permit yourself a real trial. You're so afraid of being regret that simply chose the absence of life, for not to get in any trouble. Oh, my dear, would be so easy, so simple. It could almost be perfect - of course not forever. Perfection is a state of mind: it changes with time (thanks God things are this way.) Your concept of deep is not the same as for me. You're not deep, you're simply complicated, reluctant, afraid. I was ready to show you the “deep” way, but you refused it. You just closed the door without listening me on the outside, and that was THE RUDE, ladie. For a very few moments you've opened your "self" before me, and please don't tell me it wasn't pleasant to make it cause I know it was. I spent my whole life as a shell myself and know what I'm talking about.

Tired of reading!? Already pissed off with me? Now I'll make mine your words: If you don't really wanna' talk to me anymore after this, that's not okay, but I'll understand. Despite of all I still have you in an upper grade. I'd like to discuss it later (as if it was possible talking with you - hahaha - big joke.) There's some more clothes on the laundry and I was in the mood for washing today so the “why” for all this words. Ufffs. But I will not review my text as I will not replace any comments. You never take back any considerations so I won't do it either. If you have any comments about it, feel free to talk later. I won't bother you anymore. In fact, I just sent you that message to tell you exactly what was happening. So, don't worry. You won't loose anything you haven't explicitly wished to.

And the things about looking you with any other intentions, you shouldn't underestimate me once again. When I think of U there are no separated pieces. Your face, your voice, your smelt, taste, talking, comments, words, speech, music, it comes all in one piece. I always take the whole of you, every time, and forgive me if I can't be usual and divide you like the rest of the world uses to. That's not my fault if this irresistible and savage teasing you give me can't be so easily dismissed. It's even stronger than me and, sincerely, I'm not really worried on taming it. "The satisfaction of a savage instinct is incomparably much more intense than the satisfaction of a tamed one" (W. Blake - I know you like it). For now, be cool. If you got angry with any of this, I'm not sorry. You've gone for it. If you're not, that's okay. It means that (#1) you understand I'm right or (#2) you're still more insensible than I ever supposed.

For all purposes that this can apply, consider yourself answered. And don't worry. If you still want your old friend around, it will always be here. B.t.w., you should know it, huh!? Maybe not the real same one in the “left side”, but "faking" the possible for the “right” one. And presume faking as "hiding" something and not dissimulating as many people do - and, sorry, but this includes you.

At last, I should better advise you for not to presume this much in your life. Try sometimes. Hear sometimes. Feel some others. Mix all up and see what happens! Otherwise you'll be condemned to loose some great life experiences, kid. You should stop “existing” and startup “living”, for instance.

Ah. Your complains about “being so rude” were already expected. Consider it as a self-defense unconscious technique. I can’t help it. It’s an unconscious way for not to look like a “marshmallow facing fire” once again. But it will disappear with time. Be patient.

See you soon, kid.

And stay cool. Life is beautiful, despite of Benigni.

 

 

P.s.:

#1 - I could have used Occan's Razorblade Technique for easily understanding you, but I did not. It's so much more interesting being deep and complicated, isn't it!?

#2 – There’s something right in saying we’re not twin souls. But there’s still a mistake, an idiomatic expression one, in fact. We may even be twin souls – a such connection may not be discarded – but we are definitely not “soul mates”, cause you’ll never be able to complete me, as anyone in the world. And that is a reality I’ll have to get used to once again. I knew it once, why did I ever thought it could be different someday? Bullshit. Forget about it.

#3 – Occan’s Razorblade Concept: if an event has two or more possible explanations, the more simple one is always the right one.